Bible Smackdown – The Moses Edition

When Pope John Paul II called for a New Evangelization, he asked that it be “new in ardor, methods, and expressions.” I hope this is what he meant… Bible Smackdown is one of my ridiculous attempts (and successes, mind you) at getting my students to read and know (and love I hope) the Bible – the people, places, events, and lessons to be learned in the Word. So enjoy this little “teaser trailer” of our last episode!

THE SKINNY:
1. There are three teams, electing one “Moses” each (beards and robes provided).

2. All the students compile trivia questions from the appropriate book(s) of the Bible, our notes, etc. I add a few of my own as well.

3. I ask a question of the prospective Moseses… ending with the sonorous “ding” of Tibetian chimes, and the points go to the first hand up with the correct answer!

Two heseds (Hebrew for ‘mercy’) are given a game, where a Moses can ask his team for help “remembering” his life story and God’s work in it.

THE PRIZE:

The winning team gets to skip a homework assignment the following week!

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Inspiration for the New Evangelization
http://www.missionmoment.org

Getting a Haircut vs Going to the Dentist

One of the most memorable scenes from the movie Always is the scene in which “Hap” is giving Richard Dreyfuss a haircut in the middle of the woods after he dies in a terrible plane crash (see video below).

Why such a random juxtaposition of events? What’s a haircut have to do with the peace and rest and complete gift of the afterlife? If you’re asking that question, clearly you’ve never had a good haircut. Clearly, you’ve never been to Troncelliti’s, the last bastion for a good manly haircut in America.

Getting a manly haircut is a wonderful thing. I was reflecting on it yesterday as I sat in pensive apprehension in a similar sort of “chair” waiting for my dental exam (first one in over 3 years. Shame on me.) Yes, both involve sitting and being receptive, and letting something “be done unto you.” Great opportunities for grace and reflection. But a haircut is something done for you. A dental exam is something done on you; heck IN you. The first is a gift, the second is an assault.

You see friends, a good manly haircut is like getting a massage for the soul; the gentle hum of the clippers, the metallic twittering of the scissors… Ah! in the right hands it’s a symphonic experience! A dental exam, conversely, is akin to being abducted by aliens, then poked and prodded with yes, equally sharp metallic instruments, but this time they’re…. in your mouth.

While getting a manly haircut, you might hear things like:

1. oldies playing in the background (lots of Sinatra and Glen Miller if you’re at Troncelliti’s), 2. debates over who had more RBI’s in the 1957 World Series, or 3. silence…. which is my favorite.

A good manly barber knows you’re not there for chit chat. You just want to float away to Happy Land on the scent of that talcum powder and the smell of that amber liquid they splash on your neck. You just want to BE.

While in the dentist’s chair, you might hear things like:

1. drills, 2. drilling sounds, and 3. drills. Plus there are strings of words that make absolutely NO SENSE. In my visits to the dentist I have tried my darndest (?) to figure out their alien tongue, but have failed miserably.

Can someone translate this gibberish?

“1..2 2…3… cloobickle. 4…1 1…2 2…. clubickle… 5….1 2…cloobickle”

Now you’re asking, where is this going? What deep spiritual insight can be gleaned from my reading this post today? The answer is: I don’t know. But I do know this! On Thursday I go under the “knife” for a root canal. YIPPEE!! I’m really excited about it. I’m going to offer if up in union with Christ’s sufferings and release hundreds of souls from Purgatory. And maybe I’ll bring my iPhone and record what the “dentist” says as I slip into Numby Land. Can it be rendered in human speech? Is there an app for that? We shall see. In the meantime, I’m going to have some CHOCOLATE!

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Scene from the movie Always

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Inspiration for the New Evangelization
http://www.missionmoment.org

The Two Towers – Boy Wonder Returns!

Yes, clearly I DO have too much time on my hands…. I’m a teacher who’s off for the summer. What’d ya expect? Enjoy the second installment of the Tower of Binky… the Two Towers! (Coming soon, Return of the Binky!)

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Inspiration for the New Evangelization
http://www.missionmoment.org

The Tower of Binky!

Well, what can I say? Give me a half day of school and a free afternoon while Rebecca runs some errands… and you get this piece of cinematic delight! Me and the Boy gettin’ silly!

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Inspiration for the New Evangelization
http://www.missionmoment.org

Pastor’s Business Card

I swiped this from one of those forwarded e-mails….

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote ‘Revelation 3:20’ on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, ‘Genesis 3:10.’ Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins ‘Behold, I stand at the door and knock.’ Genesis 3:10 reads, ‘I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.’ Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?

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Inspiration for the New Evangelization
http://www.missionmoment.org

Ice Cats and Expensive People

I was in a conversation the other day that came straight out of the movies; one of those really bad movies though. A friend shared a meeting he’d had with someone who was preparing to marry a fellow Ivy Leaguer. His bride-to-be had asked her parents for a huge sum of money to supply for the wedding, to the tune of over $60,000! When asked why so much moolah, a complaint over not being able to have her cat at the wedding surfaced. So in the absence of the precious feline, she was having a $6000 ice sculptured cat commissioned.

Yup. Six grand for an iced kitty….

An ice cat that will melt majestically onto the floor during the Chicken Dance (if they even do the Chicken Dance at such opulent weddings). So, what’d ya think about that? What would you say to a groom who’s about to marry such an expensive bride?

I would say “run.”

Here’s a rather long but solid refelction about “expensive people” from the wife, mother, and mystic, Caryll Houselander:

“The expensive people are those who, because they are not simple, make complicated demands — people to whom we cannot respond spontaneously and simply, without anxiety. They need not be abnormal to exact these complicated responses; it is enough that they should be untruthful, or touchy, or hypersensitive, or that they have an exaggerated idea of their own importance, or that they have a pose — one which may have become second nature, but is not what they really are.

With all such people we are bound to experience a little hitch in our response. If we are not sure that what they say is true, we are embarrassed. In time, our relationship with them becomes unreal. If we have to consider every word or act in their company in case it hurts their feelings or offends their dignity, or to act up to them in order to support their pose, we become strained by their society. They are costing us dearly in psychological energy. The individual who is simple, who accepts himself as he is, makes only a minimum demand on others in their relations with him. His simplicity not only endows his own personality with unique beauty; it is also an act of real love. This is an example of the truth that whatever sanctifies our own soul at the same time benefits everyone who comes into our life. To accept oneself as one is; to accept life as it is: these are the two basic elements of childhood’s simplicity and humility. But it is one thing to say this and another to do it. What is involved? First of all, it involves the abandoning of all unreality in ourselves. But even granted that we have the courage to face ourselves and to root out every trace of pretense, how shall we then tolerate the emptiness, the insignificance, that we built up our elaborate pretense to cover?

The answer is simple. If we are afraid to know ourselves for what we are, it is because we have not the least idea of what trial is. It is because we have not the least idea of the miracle of life-giving love that we are. “

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Inspiration for the New Evangelization
http://www.missionmoment.org

Flashback Episode: The ICLAs are Coming! The ICLAs are coming!

(Originally posted in December 2006.)

Well friends, Christmas fever has once again gripped the nation, and it’s hotter than a string of big bulbed Christmas lights from the 70’s! I think you’ll agree with me in noting that THIS Christmas is going to be bigger, bolder, and brassier than ever! Why? Because of INFLATABLE CHRISTMAS LAWN ART!! (The aforementioned oddities will hitherto be referred to as ICLA’s)

Now I don’t know if the ICLA’s have invaded neighborhoods west of the Mississippi yet, or even across the sea (any reports?) but let me tell YOU…. they are crawling all over the mid-eastern seaboard. Maybe they came from Sweden? IKEA? ICLA? Whatever the case may be, these massive Christmas mutants are taking over! Picture Godzilla with a wreath around his neck! Big, puffy pieces of plastic in yuletide shapes. We’ve got Santas, Frostys, Elves, and Reindeer…. even the Grinch gets a spot on the lawn!

Sure, they seem kinda cute, but don’t be fooled America! Remember the story of the Trojan Horse! Some of these Christmas creatures are bigger than the houses they are “decorating.” I’m not kidding. I saw one peeking into the third story of a south Philly rowhome, and he looked HUNGRY.

Thankfully ICLA’s can easily be unplugged, or tackled by a 9 year old (which is hilarious to watch). But imagine if these things were intelligent! Think about it, America, for two seconds!

Now this is just my conspiracy theory; it’s one among thousands, granted. But I believe the ICLA’s are actually filled with a mind-altering gas that has been created by none other than the BIGGIEMAN! (click for previous post on America’s most fiendish foe!)

That’s right! Unbeknownst to the Jones’, their “front yard Frosty” is really puffed up with a deadly toxin that seeps out into the neighborhood, hypnotizing us all into thinking that BIGGER is always better. What happens next? Open your eyes America! Do you remember these gargantuan Grinchs five years ago? Were there any super-sized Santas on your street even four years ago? And look at us now. I feel like a hobbit sometimes just walking to the deli. And some of these ICLA’s, especially the reindeer, their eyes just seem to follow you! IT’S DOWNRIGHT CREEPY!

Here’s My Battle Plan…

Let’s form a resistance movement! We’ll call ourselves the POPCIOWAMWOODs! (which of course stands for People Only Putting Candles In Our Windows And Maybe Wreaths On Our Doors).

We’ll show that BIGGIEMAN! Bigger is sometimes better, but smaller and simpler is best. After all, that’s how He came into the world, isn’t it?

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Inspiration for the New Evangelization
http://www.missionmoment.org

Frivolity is Frivolous

OK, there are plenty of important things we should be focusing on these days; life, death, taxes, the economy, what’s for dinner….. this I realize. But at the same time, in the immortal words of St. Thomas Aquinas, “there must be time for frivolity” (at least I hope that was Aquinas, since I’ve been getting plenty of mileage off of this quote for some time now).

And so, I bring you, on this Tuesday evening in the year of Our Lord Two Thousand and Eight…. one of the coolest a capella tributes to the movie music of John Williams using lines from the original Star Wars movies that I’ve ever heard. Well, it’s actually the only one I’ve ever heard. And that’s a good thing.

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Inspiration for the New Evangelization
http://www.missionmoment.org

Indiana Bill and the Quest for Velveeta

Have you ever tried to find Velveeta without the help of a certified supermarket technician? You’d sooner find the Holy Grail than this coveted orange wedge of pasty goodness. And why, you ask, is it so hard to find? Because no one knows exactly what it is.

Cheese? But it says “pasteurized cheese product” on the side. Spread? But it says “cheese” on it. Whiz? But it comes in a rectangular box. You can scan every aisle, as Rebecca and I have, and you can ask employees… but every store will have a different story.

Velveeta is like the Sasquatch of Supermarkets, the Nessie of Snack Necessities. This is why I took a picture of it when I found it, lest it should vanish in a flash like the “you-know-what” in Season 4 of LOST (I didn’t want to give a spoiler there to anyone still watching Season 3).

But if you’re in the Acme supermarket off of Springfield Road, Delaware County, you can find this stuff in aisle 4 by the Pasta Roni. Abandon hope all ye who seek elsewhere…. or at least pack a lunch before you begin the journey.

Ah Velveeta… we did find it last week as you can see. We had to find it; it’s one of the secret ingredients in Rebecca’s Super Dip of Champions, aka the Nectar of the Gods. This dip transforms ordinary chips into masterpieces. Like gamma rays transformed David Banner into the Incredible Hulk, like the suit made Ralph Hinkley the Greatest American Hero, this dip gives tortillas a quantum leap into the highest realms of culinary perfection. I suppose in light of this dip, the endless search for Velveeta becomes somehow worth it. A real adventure.

I was going to make a really neat spiritual connection to Finding Velveeta when I started this post, but now I think you get the idea. So… yeah.

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Inspiration for the New Evangelization
http://www.missionmoment.org

Don’t Just Do Something! Sit There!

“Run, run, run” said the automobile, and we ran. “Run for your life. Take to your heels…. Foolish school of fish on wheels…”
– James Taylor

Hmm. I am guilty of this. I move too fast, even in the summa’time! I get up early, my mind swimming through a swarm of ideas. In the words of Henry David Thoreau, I “live too fast just as we eat too fast and do not savor the true taste of food.“ I am often awakened to the fact that I don’t make enough time for prayer. Real prayer; the real crying out to God and opening up to God that makes us look like little birds in a big nest, wide mouthed and waiting for Him to feed us. I keep picking at the nest, milling around for scraps. My saving grace and the fuel for my soul is daily Mass (which I missed this morning, dang it). There’s the most real prayer of all, the Perfect Prayer, as the saints and mystics tell us. They also say that all of life should be either a preparation for or a thanksgiving after Holy Mass. That’s where Life becomes a rhythm around the Song of the Lord’s Supper, a ring around the altar.

Fr. Paul Dressler (stationed in Rome for studies, and boy is he missed by the Philly crowd!) once said in a talk that when he was young he’d hear that famous phrase “Don’t just sit there, do something!” But when it comes to Grace, it’s best to flip that phrase around. “Don’t just do something! Sit there!”

St. Dominic used to say (back when Latin was cool, and I think it still is):
“Contemplari et contemplata aliis tradere.”
Contemplate and hand on to others the fruit of your contemplation.

Imagine if that well of prayer and meditation was the source and step from which we launched into every thought, word, and action of the day? Whoa, what a world it would be.

EXODUS, STAGE RIGHT
Moses answered the people, “Fear not! Stand your ground, and you will see the victory the LORD will win for you today. These Egyptians whom you see today you will never see again. The LORD himself will fight for you; you have only to keep still.”

The answer God gives through Moses to these poor, unarmed, homeless, afraid People who are under attack is:

“Stand still!” Be Still… and Know that I am God. From the perspective of the world, this is INSANE. Imagine the initial reactions of the Israelites! Moses, what have you been smoking? And can we have some. All hell is breaking loose, the Egyptians are about to wash over us like a tidal wave, and you say…. Stand still?

I love this. I stink at this, but I love this.

This is our entrance into ABSOLUTE TRUST – into the Mystery of God and His Power – our entry into Eucharistic Adoration!

In the midst of our crazy culture, the Church says to us: Stand still! Now, some think that Eucharistic Adoration is akin to “doing nothing.” I once met a priest (a priest God help us) who called Adoration “bread watching”… UGH. Does he believe in the Real Presence?

Moses reminded the Israelites that there was Another Presence with them, besides the rumbling charioteers who were about to mow them down. God was with them! And they needed to see Him, own their relationship with Him, BE with Him.

TO ENTER INTO THIS EUCHARISTIC MYSTERY, WE MUST LEARN TO STAND STILL….
– to calm down and see things for what they are
– to let God be God
– to hear his Voice like Elijah in the cave

This is how we enter into His Stillness. This is how we enter Eucharistic Adoration. Our culture is nuts! There are 130 billion e-mail messages transmitted worldwide every day. We can’t sit still. We need detox. We need to enter the White-Hot Furnace of Silence. But let’s understand what this therapy of silence means. We don’t mean silence as a vacuum, just the absence of sound… Silence is not an absence but a presence, your presence of mind & heart to Life and God and creation! My favorite quote from Scripture may well be Isaiah 30:15….. By waiting and by calm you shall be saved, in quiet and in trust your strength lies.

We are living in a world that is starving for TRUE LOVE, and Love is tasted in silence, like a cool stream seeping into the heart through the eyes and ears. Love is an interior gaze. We MUST enter into this Mystery, give witness to the Real Love of the Eucharist through this silent, still gaze.

The presence of Jesus in the tabernacle must be a kind of magnetic pole attracting an ever greater number of souls enamoured of him, ready to wait patiently to hear his voice and, as it were, to sense the beating of his heart. “O taste and see that the Lord is good!” (Ps 34:8).
– Pope John Paul II, Mane Nobiscum Domine

Amen.

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Inspiration for the New Evangelization
http://www.missionmoment.org